I feel like I have always been an outcast in my family. There reasons for it are ridiculous of course but still it pains me to realize how much of a pariah I really am.
1. I don’t dress like they want me too.(tanks, jeans, and cons)
2. I don’t look like they want me too. (piercings and tattoos)
3. I’m open minded.
4. I’m an individual. ( I haven’t let them taint me)
What I don’t understand is why this frightens them. They don’t like that i’m opinionated and that i’ll freely speak my mind. So what do they do? They criticize me and belittle me and try to make me feel like shit. Sometimes they succeed sometimes they don’t. But is it really fair that I have to deal with this every time we get together? What did I do to deserve to be treated like this? I thought I was a pretty decent human being but they manage to make me feel like scum. Now its not my entire family that does this to me, there are always the exceptions like my brother, sister-in-law and niece. For the most part I feel that they’re the only one’s who truly understand me. They’re the one’s who are actually willing to get to know me….the truth is they’re the only one’s who care enough to try.
My cousin’s wedding was this past Saturday and I was dreading going because i’m tired of getting criticized all the time. But he calls me Thursday and ask me himself if i’m going to his wedding and I tell him of course i’m going. Ricardo and I are only 8 days apart and we have been in every single grade together. When we were younger we used to be really close but during high school we started to drift apart. So I arrived at the wedding and everyone was surprisingly nice. They told me I looked pretty and I actually thought for a second this might not be so bad. We walked into the restaurant and some girl is looking at the seating chart and telling people where to go. Cristina and I walked up and she’s looking for our names. She can’t find mine on the chart. This goes on for a few minutes and still nothing. Of course she can’t find it what else could I expect from my family. I excused myself and I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes I ran into the restroom locked myself in a stall and I proceeded to cry. All I could think was what the fuck? Why am I crying I should have expected this. My family should never cease to amaze me at how fucking heartless they can be. My own family forgot me a member of their own family.. funny thing is they didn’t forget anyone else… just me.
I quickly called Miranda because I needed a friendly voice to tell me it was going to be ok. I inspected myself in the mirror and my eyes were red and my make-up was about to start running and I looked so vulnerable. And it killed me that they might see me this way. That they were going to realize that they might have finally broken me. I quickly hung up on Miranda because I could hear someone about to come in and I dabbed my eyes with a napkin and walked out. I regained my composure and there still looking for me on the chart. Oh just put her with Josh. Who the fuck is Josh? Mayra I swear your on here I hear someone say. I look up and there’s Ricardo flipping the chart over and then he looks me in the eyes and tells me ” I guess your not on here. I guess we forgot about you.” I responded with does that mean that I get to go home. They of course fuss over me saying that…it’s a great feeling when someone you’ve grown up with for 24 yrs. forgets about you…
I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes again. All I could think was they forgot me again… I started to walk away I didn’t want them to see me like this. Nonny of course noticed my behavior and pulled me to the side. I started crying on her and she asked what was wrong. I managed to somehow tell her that I hated my family. She understood why and I realized how lucky I am to have someone this amazing in my shitty life…in my shitty family. They finally decided to put me with Milton, Nonny, and Emma to which I was really grateful for.
This made me realize how much I mean to them…
nothing….
I mean nothing to them.
I am a non-existent entity in my own family.
What do you do when your own family forgets your existence?
