This is the moment that you know
That you told her that you loved her but you don’t.
You touch her skin and then you think
That she is beautiful but she don’t mean a thing to me.
Yeah, she is beautiful but she don’t mean a thing to me.
I spent two weeks in Silver lake
The California sun cascading down my face
There was a girl with light brown streaks,
And she was beautiful but she didn’t mean a thing to me.
Yeah, she was beautiful but she didn’t mean a thing to me.
I wanted to believe in all the words that I was speaking,
As we moved together in the dark
And all the friends that I was telling
All the playful misspellings
and every bite I gave you left a mark
Tiny vessels oozed into your neck
And formed the bruises
That you said you didn’t want to fade
But they did, and so did I that day
All I see are dark Grey clouds
In the distance moving closer with every hour
So when you ask “Is something wrong?”
I think “You’re damn right there is but we can’t talk about it now.
No, we can’t talk about it now.”
So one last touch and then you’ll go
And we’ll pretend that it meant something so much more
But it was vile, and it was cheap
and you are beautiful but you don’t mean a thing to me
yeah you are beautiful but you don’t mean a thing to me (x2)
My best friend put me on probation.
Probation:
1. the act of testing.
2.the testing or trial of a person’s conduct, character, qualifications, or the like.
3.the state or period of such testing or trial.
I understand why she put me on probation from the opposite sex. I did something that was really out of character for me. After the incident I felt so disgusted and disappointed with myself. That I readily agreed that a probation was a good thing. It’s a month for me to reflect and figure out what I want. But the thing is I don’t exactly know what I want. I’m barely even sure that I know who I am. I feel lost and incomplete…I don’t want to feel this way anymore. I’m tired of putting up this charade for people. Why is it that no one will ever love me?
I’m an idiot.
I need to take more chances.
Saying whatever happens, happens usually means nothing is going to happen.
I feel like I have always been an outcast in my family. There reasons for it are ridiculous of course but still it pains me to realize how much of a pariah I really am.
1. I don’t dress like they want me too.(tanks, jeans, and cons)
2. I don’t look like they want me too. (piercings and tattoos)
3. I’m open minded.
4. I’m an individual. ( I haven’t let them taint me)
What I don’t understand is why this frightens them. They don’t like that i’m opinionated and that i’ll freely speak my mind. So what do they do? They criticize me and belittle me and try to make me feel like shit. Sometimes they succeed sometimes they don’t. But is it really fair that I have to deal with this every time we get together? What did I do to deserve to be treated like this? I thought I was a pretty decent human being but they manage to make me feel like scum. Now its not my entire family that does this to me, there are always the exceptions like my brother, sister-in-law and niece. For the most part I feel that they’re the only one’s who truly understand me. They’re the one’s who are actually willing to get to know me….the truth is they’re the only one’s who care enough to try.
My cousin’s wedding was this past Saturday and I was dreading going because i’m tired of getting criticized all the time. But he calls me Thursday and ask me himself if i’m going to his wedding and I tell him of course i’m going. Ricardo and I are only 8 days apart and we have been in every single grade together. When we were younger we used to be really close but during high school we started to drift apart. So I arrived at the wedding and everyone was surprisingly nice. They told me I looked pretty and I actually thought for a second this might not be so bad. We walked into the restaurant and some girl is looking at the seating chart and telling people where to go. Cristina and I walked up and she’s looking for our names. She can’t find mine on the chart. This goes on for a few minutes and still nothing. Of course she can’t find it what else could I expect from my family. I excused myself and I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes I ran into the restroom locked myself in a stall and I proceeded to cry. All I could think was what the fuck? Why am I crying I should have expected this. My family should never cease to amaze me at how fucking heartless they can be. My own family forgot me a member of their own family.. funny thing is they didn’t forget anyone else… just me.
I quickly called Miranda because I needed a friendly voice to tell me it was going to be ok. I inspected myself in the mirror and my eyes were red and my make-up was about to start running and I looked so vulnerable. And it killed me that they might see me this way. That they were going to realize that they might have finally broken me. I quickly hung up on Miranda because I could hear someone about to come in and I dabbed my eyes with a napkin and walked out. I regained my composure and there still looking for me on the chart. Oh just put her with Josh. Who the fuck is Josh? Mayra I swear your on here I hear someone say. I look up and there’s Ricardo flipping the chart over and then he looks me in the eyes and tells me ” I guess your not on here. I guess we forgot about you.” I responded with does that mean that I get to go home. They of course fuss over me saying that…it’s a great feeling when someone you’ve grown up with for 24 yrs. forgets about you…
I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes again. All I could think was they forgot me again… I started to walk away I didn’t want them to see me like this. Nonny of course noticed my behavior and pulled me to the side. I started crying on her and she asked what was wrong. I managed to somehow tell her that I hated my family. She understood why and I realized how lucky I am to have someone this amazing in my shitty life…in my shitty family. They finally decided to put me with Milton, Nonny, and Emma to which I was really grateful for.
This made me realize how much I mean to them…
nothing….
I mean nothing to them.
I am a non-existent entity in my own family.
What do you do when your own family forgets your existence?
I can’t sleep again….it’s 6 a.m. and i’m exhausted physically and mentally and yet I can’t fall asleep. I’m feeling especially emotional today and I don’t know why either. I didn’t want to go to the bar. But I went and I had a good time yet somehow i’m still feeling miserable. I have so many emotions coursing through me right now and I feel like I couldn’t even begin describe how i’m actually feeling….
Hollow
Miserable
Suffocating
Drowning
This barely even begins to describe what i’m feeling. I literally feel like shit and I think it’s time for me to retreat into my shell again. I don’t want to inflict what i’m feeling on others. I don’t wish to make them feel how I feel and i’m tired of putting up a false pretense. I just want to be alone and miserable. Yet I can’t stop with this facade. I’ve been doing it for so long that I don’t even know how to switch it off. Wtf am I going to do? I’m fucking drowning here and there’s no fucking silver lining. Nothing I have nothing…
I just want to go back to the beginning.
I want to feel something other than what i’m feeling now.
I just want it to end already…
It’s 4 a.m. and I can’t seem to fall asleep.
“I could follow you to the beginning
And just relive the start
And maybe then we’ll remember to slow down
To all of our favorite parts”
I can’t get this song out of my head particularly this verse. I remember laying on the floor in my room. We were facing each other and we were talking about different things. His arm was sprawled out towards me and I was using it as a pillow. As the night wore on we were getting drowsier and we eventually fell asleep facing each other. I can still remember the way his skin felt when my face was pressed up against his chest I remember feeling safe… and in that moment I thought that I couldn’t be any happier. This is the memory that I always want to relive when I think of him. When I think back on other countless memories I had with him only one other memory stands out as vividly. Were in his car talking and it feels like we’ve been in his car forever. I’m scratching his head and i’m laying my head on his shoulder. Once again I feel like i’m consumed by him by everything about him. And i’m so damn comfortable being with him. I look at him and he starts to gently brush my hair out of face and behind my ear. He gently strokes my cheek and I look up at him and he’s staring at me with this intense look and it’s filled with so much emotion. And it feels like he can see through me like he’s staring straight into my soul. The tension grew to be too great for me and I looked away and laid my head back on his shoulder. What was he trying to tell me? That shouldn’t matter anymore…these memories shouldn’t matter. Good or bad I always end up feeling the same in the end.
“All I wanted was you”
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